Feel You

I’ll never forget the first time you touched me.

Finger tips finding their way around my chest,

Electricity coursing through my veins every time you moved.

I was afraid the current would make my heart stop,

But it just worked harder,

Until I could feel it expanding in my chest,

Pressing against my rib cage,

Ready to burst,

Because for the first time in a long time,

Happiness had burrowed into my ventricles.

It was being pumped through my bloodstream,

Until my body was finally awake,

After months of being numb.

And thank God,

Because I was so tired of being numb.

I fell asleep in the warmth of newness,

My mind filled with the thought of falling in love again,

Filled with conflicts and contradictions.

A voice echoing warnings,

Reminders of the way love hurts.

But it was silenced by a chorus chanting, “Relax,”

As if love is some kind of summer camp trust fall,

And I’m starting to lean back.

I want to lean into you with everything I have,

But I’m so afraid of you stepping away,

Instead of catching me.

I’m afraid of my head slamming into the ground,

Dirt reminding me of the country road,

Where I fell in love before.

That memory leading to others,

Like the pain that was so excruciating,

It left me afraid of feeling.

I want to feel you,

leaving your fingerprints on my skin,

Tracing circles on the backs of my thighs,

Moving with me,

In me.

And I know you could just leave me feeling broken,

But I want to feel this.

I need to feel you.