Stoned

I’m stoned.

And I swear to god,

I can feel sadness washing through my body.

Down from my skull to my thighs,

Where it crashes into the anger coming from the soles of my feet,

Like waves licking the beach.

The ability to have feelings and sensations amplified is why i loved being high when you fucked me.

Because you were the wave crashing into me,

And it was the most beautiful collision.

Now we’re a car wreck,

Mangled,

Bruised.

Anxiously watching as the jaws of life rip our relationship apart.

It’s bullshit,

You know.

The way life gets in the way of love.

And your life got in the way,

Forming a brick wall between each of us and happiness.

I thought I’d found happiness with you,

I thought you felt it to,

Because once in awhile you’re smile would reach your eyes.

I haven’t seen it in months,

But I rarely see any of you at all,

So maybe I’m missing out on those moments.

She sees them,

Captures them,

Shares them with the world.

A slap in the face,

Because she can love you shamelessly,

But my love was never good enough to be more than a secret,

I wasn’t good enough to be more than a ghost.

Sometimes I don’t want to be anything more than a ghost,

So I smoke.

When I’m high,

Existing doesn’t hurt,

The way it does when you’re pretending I don’t exist.

I want to scream “I’M HERE.”

Because I want to be there.

I was there,

Every time you needed me.

When anxiety ran through your veins like electricity,

I filled the spaces between your fingers,

And grounded you.

When life kicked you in the gut so hard you threw up,

I took care of you.

I was there for you.

But now I can’t be.

You won’t let me.

So I’m alone,

Stoned,

Praying I fall asleep before this sliver of peace disappears.

Before the waves I feel grow larger,

And the current pulls me under.

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