Signs

Sometimes I wish I could stop loving you,
The way my feelings have faded for others,
Like the sight of your car disappearing down the street
After another too-short visit.
I feel like I’ve loved you for years,
Despite the calendar screaming, “It’s only been a few months.”
Sometimes I wish I could separate the pieces of my soul that have become entangled in yours.
I’d leave them with you,
If I had to.
If it made it easier not to feel.
Sometimes my heart beats faster when I see you smiling in photos,
Blue eyes hiding behind glasses,
Hands at home in your pockets,
Instead of on my waist.
Sometimes I wish I could stop craving those hands,
Calluses running along my skin,
Diesel stained fingernails contrasting my polish,
When you’re hands are wrapped around mine.
Sometimes I feel like I could let go,
Like this is it,
Now is the end and I’d be okay.
Then I hear your laugh,
The sound playing through my head like my favorite song.
It’s 3 AM,
And I get lonely—,
But you’re curled up in someone else’s bed,
While I’m shivering with thoughts racing through my head,
praying for some kind of sign.
A sign that says it’s time to exit.
Or one that it isn’t.
Every night you spend there,
The voices in my head fill me with dread,
Whispering the worst predictions.
Thoughts that your heart will remember her,
That it will forget me,
Flood my body,
Each wave slamming into my stomach,
My chest,
My throat.
Drowning me in doubt.
Every night feels like a vice tightening around my body,
Every turn reminding me that it could always be her.

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