What’s next

A new year brings new beginnings,

And I am scared.

No –


All of the sudden all the strength and tenacity,

All of the dreams and determination,

have been drained from my body.

Fear is coursing through my veins,

Growing with every beat of my panicked heart.

A new beginning means that old things end,

It means saying goodbye to nearly a decade of my life,

While I’m celebrating a birthday that marks a quarter of a century,


It means losing the warmth on the other side of the bed at night.

I shouldn’t mourn that,

But I still do.

Let’s face it,

For the last few months I’ve pretended it’s you.

Someday it will be you,

But until someday,

I fear crawling into an empty bed,

In a house that isn’t home.

Holding onto the hope that someday,

I’ll be able to go home to your arms.

Right now,

I wish that you were holding on to me,

Holding me up when my legs feel weak.

Afraid to step forward into whatever comes next.

I can see the fear in mirrored in your eyes.

I’ve seen that before,

A hundred times.

Once it was late at night,

I had too much to drink,

My legs seemed to stop existing.

You were clear headed enough to pull me into you,

To kiss my forehead,

To curl up next to my body,

And whisper that I’d be okay.

Tell me I’ll be okay.

Lace your fingers in mine,

and lead me into the uncertainty.

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