Springtime

 

Sometimes spring ends too soon,
Or winter comes too fast,
But we know can still depend on the seasons.
I used to depend on you like summer time,
I wanted to bask in the glow of your sunlight,
Feel the rays of your warmth on my body.
You were the one who could make me sweat like it was 100 degrees,
And shiver like it was freezing –
All at once.
Your finger tips felt like the first spring rain,
Gliding across my skin the way rain drops slide down car windows.
I think of you when I drive aimlessly on country roads,
Fields of sunflowers sprawling across the horizon.
They worship the sun,
following it as it moves across the sky,
The way my soul wanted to follow yours.
I would have followed you into a land of endless winters if it meant I didn’t have to let you go.
But I let you go.
I didn’t want to you know,
You were the prettiest flower in my garden.
I should have tucked you in between the pages of a dictionary,
Kept you safe among words I wish I could use to make you understand how I feel.
But you were tossed aside as spring changed to summer, changed to autumn.
My heart cooled with the temperatures,
My once unwavering soul began to shiver as wind wrapped itself around my body,
replacing the warmth of your arms.
I stood naked and cold as the first frost slowly killed what was left of us.
The winter solstice may be the shortest day but my god, it took forever without you there.
I stood in the doorway, staring into the night and begged the sun to come back.
Begged you to come back.
My voice interrupting the silence, like the sound of an icicle falling from the roof onto the concrete.
I’d fallen so far, so hard for you.
I let your thunder become the soundtrack of my life.
Sometimes I can still hear it when I close my eyes,
It starts as a whisper, quiet enough to make me wonder if I really heard anything at all,
And then it’s booming, echoing through my skull,
And I try to hold onto it,
To play it on repeat,
But it fades away just like a thunderhead that’s run out of rain.
I feel like my hearts caught in a hail storm,
And I’m so cold.
I’d give anything to lay out under you,
To have my life illuminated by the light you carry in your soul,
Even if you burned me.
I’d take all the pain and the blisters if it meant that I felt your warmth caressing my skin,
If it meant I could hear the songs of the birds instead of the deafening quiet that fills the air as new snow falls on top of old.
My only source of hope is the way that snow glimmers,
The way it looks like glitter fluttering down from the street lights,
before it kisses the ground.
You were always so grounded,
Guarding me from lightning,
Making sure the only reason the hair on my neck stood up was you,
Not the threat of imminent death by electricity dropping from the sky.
I’d let it strike me twice if it meant running my fingers through your hair one more time, you know.
You were the honey bee to my wild flower,
Carrying love on your wings.
Even as you faced extinction,
You just kept flying toward me.
You’d sacrifice yourself to make sure I bloomed,
But now my roots are crumbling,
Petals fading,
I’ve been battered by the stress of an endless flood of emotions running through my veins.
I’m drowning,
Reminded of the fact that if you water something too much, it dies.
If you don’t water it enough, it dies.
If you love someone too much, it hurts.
If you don’t love them enough, they’re gone.
And you’re left waiting for the days to get longer,
For the sun to take his place in the sky.
If I die,
My heaven will be endless fields of lavender,
The only thing that comes close to soothing me the way you could.
I’m laying here,
Praying to Mother Nature to wrap my soul in spring time.
“I’ll never ask for anything again if you just give me back my light.”

Written 5-23-17

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